I feel like I have been stuck in the in-between. A limbo, if you will. Like when I am driving between Arizona and California and there are about 200 miles of absolutely nothing know as the 40.
After graduating this past December I found myself at a standstill with no clear direction of what was next. There were roads I could choose from, each with their own set of risks. I could continue school or follow my dreams of becoming a full-time photographer or get a regular job and spend my days at a desk… But I’ve never wanted a corporate structured life.
Most afternoons since have been spend sitting at the end of the couch. Thinking.
I think about my acceptance to graduate school. I think about how much I spent on groceries. I think about how many days are left until we move back to California. I think about what my friends and family will think of my next step. Sitting and waiting for a sign, or for Sam to come home. When he is around the ache in my chest disappears for a little while.
The option of continuing school has become scarier and scarier. I know I could do it and be successful, but is that enough? There is a date on my calendar with the date classes start and I find myself wishing I could push it back, or just erase it altogether. I wonder, are people solely defined by their education or can success be found without it?
And then theres the option of closing my eyes and following my passion. The less practical dream and the thing I cannot stop talking about. Diving head first in to photography full-time and seeing if its possible to survive as an artist. I bought my first non-thrifted film camera yesterday and suddenly felt creative and inspired. A spark came back to me and I am wishing the gorgeous weddings I get to photograph this year were sooner. And, of course, that calendar moves slowly.
If anything, I have learned during my quiet days in the in-between that life is driven by risk… and sometimes it is only a matter of choosing which one you will take.